friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch