detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️