ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
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I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My love language is deader than Latin
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
These 3D printers are insane!
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Sending in my taxes
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month