* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
we all know this pain all too well
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.