*Inspirational Tweets*
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
The Weeknd is back
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian