Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.