Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!