[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
me when I see my crush
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m not lazy
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.