I created you as mosquito food.
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I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything