Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Pot warmers of the day.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.