How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”