You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The Assassin.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.