Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
#oldknees
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter