ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.