“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I am a gravy boat captain
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.