I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
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*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Oh boy, $150,000!