I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
this post was so formative to me
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..