[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
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So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’m too immature for adultery.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..