Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
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[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Well, shit
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.