I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
hackers play passwordle
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen