inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I have a type: disappointing
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.