*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
You Might Also Like
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Owl Sanctuary
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.