Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Free him
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.