I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
You Might Also Like
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?