We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
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This is my brand.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
welp
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.