If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Golf would be better with landmines.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.