ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
You Might Also Like
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that