I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
doing your own taxes
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.