Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
You Might Also Like
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”