“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.