Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?