Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
the simulation is moving too fast
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.