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live long and prosper!
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.