Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???