If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I’m being attacked 😭
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts