[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
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My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Pot warmers of the day.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.