Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
THIS HEADLINE
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.