LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
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Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
dutch is not a serious language
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.