My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
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ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Weirdly Wednesday.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.