Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.