Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..