Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I have a new favorite meme page