How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.