I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???