*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.