BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.