Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
life finds a way
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Wait a minute
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days