imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…