I put the “pro” in inappropriate
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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce