All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.